I have noticed a funny feeling that started gradually, but seems to be picking up speed. It’s hard to put into words. I guess the best way to describe it is a fracturing of myself.
I’m not as connected to this person I used to be. I’m slowly tearing apart from that person. My body goes to work and does all it needs to do during the day, and the real me is being dragged along for the ride. I know I’m doing all of these things, but I don’t really feel like it’s me in control. A puppet. Yes, like a puppet on strings.
That sounds worse than I meant it to. I can’t put it into words that make sense.
Maybe, this feeling is part of aging? Your soul (if you believe in souls) is starting to detach from the body, little by little. Preparing for next journey. I like to think that is what is happening. The alternative is a lot more terrifying. Maybe, I’m finally losing my mind. Losing my marbles, as my mom would have said. I get a mental image of me walking around and periodically a marble falls out of my ear and rolls away.
But, even that is okay, really. Maybe, if I lose this mind, I can replace it with a better one! One that can put thoughts into words. That has been my whole problem with writing. The inability to put words to my thoughts and feelings that makes them truly understood. There seems to be no known words that can make some things come to life for others. You have to experience it to understand. I bet that happens to everyone, though. We have all of this stuff just trapped inside of us, and no way to really share it with the world.
I guess that’s okay. It’s like a lovely (but sometimes not so lovely) secret that is just ours and ours alone.
I will bet that nobody is going to be surprised that I have only had about three hours of sleep per night the last three nights. When I’m sleep deprived, I notice these things about myself. I communicate with myself better, somehow. But, I might come across as being a loony-toon to others. I fall asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. Anywhere from two to four hours later, I wake because my bladder is about to explode. After that, I toss and turn and turn and toss. My brain goes to hyper-drive no matter what techniques I use to calm myself. It’s like a habit now. I have always formed habits fast and easily, but breaking those habits is a nightmare for me.
Ah well, the one thing in life we can count on is change. Things always change. Until this passes, I might actually enjoy this feeling. I might try to enjoy my secret self and hope others are enjoying their secret self!
In closing, I would like to share this image. This child is someone dear to me. She is much older now, and I had the privilege of caring for her when she was young. But, this picture says so much. And, it is how I have been feeling in the mornings lately. See you on the other side of the Twilight Zone!