The post title is a dark one, yes? I was inspired to write this by a fellow WordPress writer. If you are curious, her blog is Knocked Over By A Feather. Some of her posts really hit a chord with me because I have been to a similar place in the past. I still visit these places from time to time. By places, I mean a mental state, whether it be brought on by current events in my life, or chemical imbalance this place is a dark and gloomy one. I learned a trick that has helped me on many occasions.
I embrace the darkness. Sometimes, I just have to be sad for a while in order to feel good again. I let the whole thing wash over me and allowed myself to be as miserable as I want to be. My kids know when I’m feeling this way and leave me alone until I’m ready to talk. I don’t think they truly understand and I don’t try to explain. It would only freak them out to know their mom is thinking such horrible thoughts as:
Life is too hard and I don’t see it getting any better. It will only get harder. I just can’t do this anymore and I don’t want to. I made a mess of not only my life but the future of my kids by not being more of a success in life. They would be better off without me.
This type of thinking might be thought of as whimpering and whining to someone who has never suffered from true depression. Couple that with OCD and it can make for some terrible dark times. And it is very real and very serious to me at the time. I really do mean what I’m thinking.
I used to fight it, and try to just shake it off. I took drugs (various) for depression but it never seemed to work. At some point I discovered that if I just let myself feel for a while, I was able to start climbing out of the dark pit I had myself trapped in. I stopped listening to the people who told me to “just snap out of it” or “stop thinking that way”, as if by saying these words it would all go away. I allowed myself to be miserable so I could get it all out and feel better. Maybe I felt as if I had hit bottom and the only way to go was up. However it happened and however it works, it works and that’s good enough for me.
A friend of mine said something to me a few years ago that made sense and helped a lot, too. She said when things are too hard, don’t think too far ahead. Just get through the next five minutes. Once you can easily do that, get through day, but don’t think any further ahead than that. Once you realize you can get through a day, think of only one week at a time..and so on. It helped!
I guess I’m mostly just trying to say that we each have to find our own place of comfort. Once you find that place, hang onto it. As long as you are not harming yourself or others, don’t worry about what others say or think. It doesn’t matter if anyone else understands or not.
Even though I am still between a rock and a hard spot as far as my financial future is concerned, I am probably happier than I have ever been since becoming an adult. That’s a beautiful thing.