I am blogging impaired. There, I said it. When I started this blog, I did mean to write more posts than I do. I really thought I would have more to say!
Over the years, I have had so many thoughts and opinions. Sometimes, I would think something and just say, “Wow, that is really deep! Maybe someone else would benefit from this.” But, somehow, between the time I think a thought and the time I can actually find time to write about it, the power of the words are gone and I can’t remember exactly what I thought in the first place.
Even if I were to have a very important, deep-thought provoking thought right now, at this very second, it wouldn’t come out right when I type it. The emotions, visuals and words in my head are diluted by the time my fingers start tapping the keys. I just can’t seem to put words to my thoughts. It comes out sounding weak and not at all how it felt in my head.
But, that is probably the key right there! When I’m thinking, I have a jumble of emotions that go along with the words. On paper, or blog, I’m just using the words. I need to discover a way to release the emotions along with the words.
I used to do it. I would write prose. I don’t think I ever let anyone see what I wrote because in my heart I knew it wasn’t all that good, and I wrote it more for me than anyone else. It was a way to get everything out of my head so it wouldn’t hurt so much.
I haven’t done it for years. Now, when I do try, I almost break out in a sweat. It feels forced and wrong. It makes me very sad. It feels like I lost part of me and I can’t figure out where that part went.
I have lost many parts of me over the years. I remember them fondly, but I can’t seem to find them. They just dropped off piece by piece here and there. Most of the time I wouldn’t even notice they were missing until I needed them. Then, I was very sad knowing I didn’t even get to say good-bye to them.
The ability to think a certain way, to act a certain way, to write a certain way…just gone. All that is left is the urge and the need, but the ability is gone.
Life just carried me away on its wave and I had no choice but to ride that wave. So many changes and challenges that took my time and my energy. I guess that happens to us all. I hope that at some point, before I die, I can reconnect with the part of me that would get lost in writing and in emotions. I want the words and feelings to again mingle and dance.