I decided to write about my mom today, as she has been in my thoughts a lot and I am worried. She is a complex person and she is very hard to read. I think she has been very sad and bored, but it’s almost impossible to help her. She is 79 years old, has very poor hearing and advanced macular degeneration. The three combined takes away much from the quality of life, I can imagine, but I want to try to make her smile more if I can.
She spends a lot of time just sitting and staring at nothing with a far away expression. She will occasionally burst into tears. It’s been almost a year now since my brother passed, but she is having a real hard time getting past the grief. She thinks she is being stupid to cry still, but I tell her to cry all she needs to. My brother was ill most of his life and she was his caretaker. Of course she was extremely close to him.
She has stopped doing any and all things that she used to love. I know the near blindness has something to do with this, but I have been trying to encourage her to at least get out and go places once in a while. Even getting her to leave the house at all is almost impossible. She just sits in front of the television and looks sad. It breaks my heart.
She recently sold her house and is waiting for her new and much smaller home to be finished. She will be moving to a smaller town and will be a few houses away from my younger sister. That is the only thing that seems to bring a spark of life to her. She hates her home since my brother passed there. She is sure if she gets away, the sadness will go too. It might help, and I pray it does. Her big fear right now is that she won’t live to see her new place. She has never talked like this before, and It worries me. I know she doesn’t feel as well as she did even a year ago, so maybe she knows something that she is not sharing with me.
Am I wrong to encourage her to get what joy she can from life? Am I pushing too hard and should I just leave her alone? We have a wheelchair and she has a scooter chair to ride, so I can get her out and about. I think she would benefit from a walk in the park with her dog, or visiting a relative. Anything to get her a change of scenery. She flat refuses. She just says it’s too hard and a bother for us to have to push her around in the wheelchair. I can’t convince her that I don’t mind at all. She won’t get any type of counselling. She doesn’t believe it helps anyone. I’m just at a loss.
Should I let her know that I am here if she decides she wants to do something and just leave her alone? By alone, I mean stop asking. I have been staying with her, so she isn’t truly alone. I do give her privacy if she seems to need it, but I am close by (except when I’m at work!). Am I pushing too hard?
It’s just so hard to see her like this. She has always been a strong-willed and confident person. She was the take-charge person of the family and could do anything. I don’t want her to feel useless (she has stated that she is) just because she grew old! She has so much to give still, just maybe in a different way as she used to. She is very bright and loving and caring. She has learned a lot over the years.
Three more months before her little house will be ready. I hope she makes it to see it and enjoy it for a while! I want her to be happy again, to smile again, to enjoy her life again. She is still my mommy.