I have decided I do not like having emotions. I think I would like the ability to shut them off at will.
I am struggling with the reality that my current job ends on June 9th and it is breaking my heart in so many ways. I have become very attached to a few of the kids I watch (the family has 8 boys); the youngest three. I have spent a lot of time with them over the last three years. The only reason I have to quit this job is because dad is a teacher and will have summer off. I can’t go without the income for almost 3 months, so I must seek another job. I tried for a summer only job but had no luck. I can’t get myself to take a job knowing I am going to quit in a few months. Parents have such a struggle finding someone they trust as it is and I don’t want to cause that kind of stress for them.
Their youngest two are quite attached to me as well, I think, and I feel that I am just abandoning them. And for what? Money! I hate money with all of my heart. It has been the evil that has dictated my entire life.
I have been gently explaining to three-year-old Q that I am not going to be coming over when his dad is off for summer. I assure him that I will visit, and I will! I try to make sure it is light-hearted and I stay positive with him about it. I was teasing about having him come live with me so I won’t miss him so much. Here is our conversation…
Me: “I think I will just take you home with me. You can live at my house!”
Q: (giggling) “No! I belong to mom and dad!”
Me: “Okay then, how about I move in here and I can sleep in that spare bed you have in your room?”
Q: “Yes! You can have that bed!”
He knows we are kidding around, and we laughed about it. I was not laughing on the inside, but I was happy that he could find the humor in it. He is a very intelligent and calm boy for a three-year-old.
What most people don’t realize, I think, is that when I care for kids for extended periods of time like this, it tears me up to leave. It’s the nature of the job, but it is not easy! This family, admittedly, was very hard for me at first and I didn’t know if I was going to keep the job. I am so glad I did, as they have taught me a lot. Once you get past certain behaviors that you think are “bad” and start seeing the person and NOT the behaviors, you find treasures! I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but it is the truth. They are all wonderful in their own ways and I love them.
Now that I poured out at least a portion of my heart, I must get ready for work. I only have a precious few days with them.