So, I have bad anxiety when driving and red lights strike fear into me like crazy. But, recently, another fear developed. Saying it out loud and now typing it, it sounds so silly. I am terrified of closing a door. Especially a car door. Closing the house door is not as bad as I have to lock the door and then I put the key in my purse. Still, there is a part of me that says, “I hope I can get back in the house! What if I can’t get back in!”
Closing a car door really gets me. I am just sure it will lock and I won’t get back in again, ever. Even though I lock the door after closing it, it is different than when I lock my house door. Why? I have NO idea.
I pulled up to the house my daughter was working in and got out. I had the car key in my hand. I stared at it to make sure I was holding it. I touched the key with my other hand and told myself it was okay to shut the door. If it locks, I have the key in my hand. I couldn’t do it! I got on this loop of touching the key and saying out loud, “The key is in my hand.” over and over. I suddenly realized I was saying quite loudly! I burst into tears and quickly closed the door and had a bit of an anxiety attack. It took me a minute to calm down enough to go collect my daughter.
I don’t get it. I KNOW it’s a silly thing and I KNOW if I have the key, I can get back into the car. But, it’s like someone in my head taunting me with being locked out forever.
As I get older, these things are happening more and more. I take care of children, and thank goodness, I have not had any issues caring for them. If I thought they were in any danger with me, I would quit immediately. But, I have noticed a steady decline in being able to hide and control some of the fears. I’m trying to decide what to do about it. It is so hard to explain something like to to someone.
If I don’t do certain things until it “feels right”, I swear the object is leering at me and thinking it will get me. Something bad is going to happen and all I had to do to prevent it was to repeat an action a few more times. I yell at myself and force myself to leave it. Just some days, it is so exhausting. This is one of those days!
I am now done complaining for today.
See you soon with another post of Granny K Poops Rainbows and Sunshine. I just couldn’t find a good positive today!