Made a Darn Fool of Myself

So, I have bad anxiety when driving and red lights strike fear into me like crazy.  But, recently, another fear developed.  Saying it out loud and now typing it, it sounds so silly.  I am terrified of closing a door.  Especially a car door.  Closing the house door is not as bad as I have to lock the door  and then I put the key in my purse.  Still, there is a part of me that says, “I hope I can get back in the house!  What if I can’t get back in!”

Closing a car door really gets me.  I am just sure it will lock and I won’t get back in again, ever.  Even though I lock the door after closing it, it is different than when I lock my house door.  Why?  I have NO idea.

I pulled up to the house my daughter was working in and got out.  I had the car key in my hand.  I stared at it to make sure I was holding it.  I touched the key with my other hand and told myself it was okay to shut the door.  If it locks, I have the key in my hand.  I couldn’t do it!  I got on this loop of touching the key and saying out loud, “The key is in my hand.”  over and over.  I suddenly realized I was saying quite loudly!  I burst into tears and quickly closed the door and had a bit of an anxiety attack.  It took me a minute to calm down enough to go collect my daughter.

I don’t get it.  I KNOW it’s a silly thing and I KNOW if I have the key, I can get back into the car.  But, it’s like someone in my head taunting me with being locked out forever.

As I get older, these things are happening more and more.  I take care of children, and thank goodness, I have not had any issues caring for them.  If I thought they were in any danger with me, I would quit immediately.  But, I have noticed a steady decline in being able to hide and control some of the fears.  I’m trying to decide what to do about it.  It is so hard to explain something like to to someone.

If I don’t do certain things until it “feels right”, I swear the object is leering at me and thinking it will get me.  Something bad is going to happen and all I had to do to prevent it was to repeat an action a few more times.  I yell at myself and force myself to leave it.  Just some days, it is so exhausting.  This is one of those days!

I am now done complaining for today.

See you soon with another post of Granny K Poops Rainbows and Sunshine.  I just couldn’t find a good positive today!


Nights…Who Needs Them?

This is an example of how my nights go…

Me:  I know it’s only 8:30, but I’m so tired I think I will just go to bed.  “snore”

My brain:  HEY!!!!  It’s 9:10.  Wake up!

Me: What was that?  HUH?  What time is it, I feel like it must be morning.  I’m wide awake?  Did I sleep?  *looks at clock”.  WTF I went to bed 40 minutes ago!  Why am I awake?

My brain:  I think you should get up!  I don’t want to be in bed anymore. GET UP and move!!!!!!!

Me:  I gotta get up a minute, I can’t stand being in bed right now.  **pace, pace** Okay, it’s 10:30 I have to get some sleep or I will be no good at work tomorrow.  *snore*

My brain:  YOOHOO hi there, it’s me and I feel like thinking.  It’s 1:00.  Why are you sleeping? Get up and move!

Me:  Oh bloody hell, why am I up with an anxiety attack at 1 in the dang morning?  I have to be up in a few hours!  **pace, pace** Okay it’s almost 2:30, I have to try to sleep a little more.  *snore*

My brain:  You know, I was just thinking…HEY wake up, I am trying to think of everything we need to do.  Get up and move!  It’s 3:20 for Pete sake.  Why are you sleeping?

Me:  I give up.  I can’t do this anymore tonight.

This is actually how most of my nights go.  Yes, I take Melatonin.  I have also tried every sleep aid and no difference.  I am so tired tonight, I hope I sleep!  I think it’s been going on long enough that I now expect it and cause it to happen.

But, since I’m trying to be positive about more things, let me think of something positive about nights.



Got it!  I was able to write a blog post about it.  That’s the best I can do right now.

Have a good night, all.