Fact About Me

I might just start posting facts about me (because I’m just that important and interesting! hehe) once a week. I have good and bad sides, just as everyone else. I might as well share a bad one. One that I know is true and I have tried to change (and have been somewhat successful I think) but changing your true nature isn’t as easy as it sounds. Oh, you can fake it, but that doesn’t mean it’s changed.

Fact: I am a very selfish person. No joke, not even kidding a little. I’ve always been a rather selfish person. I want what I want. I try fighting against it and have done soul searching to try to find a reason for it.

  1. I think most humans are a bit selfish. We start our lives with raw basic survival instincts. We want food, we need changed, we need to be held. You know, the basic infant stuff. It takes a child quite some years to be able to see outside of their needs. We teach them to give to others and we model basic social skills to the best of our abilities, but for many kids it’s hard to break out of the survival **GIVEME** instincts. That does change slowly as we grow, but let’s face it, it never completely goes away.

2. I think having OCD has affected me in the selfish department. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (at least for me) brought with it huge fears and terrible thoughts of tragedy. I had to do so many daily activities in certain ways and in the proper order and it upset me greatly to go outside of that comfort zone. The fear was just too great so over time I didn’t care what others thought, I did things how I wanted and needed to do. Many with OCD are thought of as selfish. I can understand how it seems so when looking in from the outside. And, to a big degree, it is true. I had to work very hard to break out of that and not allow the fear and anxiety make me appear even more selfish than I am!

Reading over what I have typed has made me wonder if I am trying to make myself feel a little better by justifying being selfish. Maybe. I try to do things for others when I can, but I admit I could do much better. Sometimes I feel good when I make a little sacrifice and sometimes I don’t. I guess it is good that I can go outside of my comfort zone more than I used to and do the right thing. And even if I am now 63, I can still work to improve myself. It’s never too late!

The Deep, Dark Pit

I fell into the deep, dark pit of depression again.

No, that’s not true. I didn’t fall, I descended on purpose. I always thought of it as falling into it and I clawed and fought to get out. Now, I think I see it differently. I go there on purpose.

The entire world seems to have gone crazy. The earth tried to shake us off with more earthquakes than normal. That didn’t work, so she threw hurricanes. In anger, she (or he, or it) decided that purging with cleansing fire is the way to get rid of us.

Everyone is so angry. I swear you can’t talk about anything without someone going berserk and throwing accusations in your face. I bet if I were to smile at someone as I pass them, they would start yelling because it was an unwanted smile! How dare I assume they wanted me to smile at them! The nerve! Everyone seems to have their own view of things, which is totally fine. But if you don’t have the exact same view then you are wrong! You are a sheep! You are weak! Heaven forbid we might actually discuss and compare our differences and maybe come up with a better solution to a problem. No siree that can’t happen!

I can’t take all of the hatred that surrounds me right now.

I don’t have the strength to help my children and carry them right now. I can barely stand up and take care of myself. I need my life to change and I have been trying, but it all seems to circle around to the same hopeless spot!

I can’t sleep well again. I average about 4 to 5 hours of restless sleep and have been having nightmares nightly. I feel exhausted and drag through the day. Yes, I have tried everything short of actual sleeping pills, and I won’t take those. I did that once and lost an entire day because I couldn’t wake up! It scared the heck out of me.

So, I climbed into my pit of depression on purpose. I have packed up my feelings and emotions in a nice, sturdy box and stashed them in that pit with me. No light can touch me here. Light only hurts my eyes right now. It hurts my heart. I don’t care what others need or want right now. I only want that darkness and numbness that comes with it.

When I feel strong enough to try again, I will climb out of the pit. Maybe I will be like a caterpillar and shed my cocoon while in the dark. Maybe I will emerge a stronger person. I’m almost 63 and it hasn’t happened yet, but I do think it’s still possible! Time will tell.