Hypnagogia and/or Hypnopompic

I didn’t realize these conditions had actual names. I always just said I was half awake and half asleep. I’m not sure if my hallucinations come as I fall asleep (hypnagogia) or as I wake up (hypnopompic). Either way it sucks.

I used to have this happen a lot when I was much younger. It happened off and on over the years, especially during periods of great stress. It hasn’t happened for a long time, but last night was terrible!

The most common hallucination I would have when younger was that I am in bed but not really asleep or awake. I am looking in my room and am aware I’m not really sleeping. But, I can’t move or make a sound. I feel someone/something crawl into my bed and hug me very tightly. I can barely breath and I actually smell this thing! I know it’s evil. I wake suddenly and it takes a long time to shake off the feeling. I had a lot of sleepless nights from this. Another one was a giant spider in my room, slowly advancing and I couldn’t do a thing about it.

Last night was different. I am not really able to move and I am staring towards the bedroom door. The room is pretty dark, but I can still see an outline of what looks like a skinny man. The shadow man is much darker than the room and it is clear. He/she/whatever slowly approaches me. The arms are so thin and the fingers are long with claws at the end. Suddenly, a blindingly bright light is flashing in my face and that startles me out of the trance. It happened three times between 12:30am and 3:00am. I tried to stay awake but would start to doze off and it would happen. I was so upset after the third time that I made myself get up and didn’t try to sleep again.

I am going to have to do whatever I can to not think too much about this or tonight might not be much better. I have a headache today and I am so tired. I am hoping for a better night tonight!

New Career Path?

Before my little brother became ill with cancer, we talked a lot about starting a business together. My entire family has struggles with social anxiety, so we tried to come up with a mostly online type of thing.

Side note on social anxiety: I love to talk and want to talk to people. I do, it’s not like I can’t. But, I always feel very awkward and stutter and stammer over words. If there are too many people around, I start to freak out and want to leave. At the same time I almost crave being around people. It makes absolutely no sense. My daughter says she feels the same.

Okay, back to what I was talking about. I always thought it would be fun to have a small second-hand store. I love going to those places! Another idea I had that just popped into my head was a clothing store that is designed for older women. I said I would run the physical store and he could handle online orders and web creation. I knew it wouldn’t really happen as I don’t think you could make enough money on just clothing for older women, (even though I’m older, I’m not entirely sure what specific clothing that would be) but it was fun thinking about it. I even had a name and a jingle for the store.

Granny’s Britches!

What a name, right? My brother laughed so hard at that. Then, I sang him my jingle.

“If your clothes all need stitches, why not shop at Granny’s Britches?!”

Those were good times and great memories. Not long after that, my brother was diagnosed with cancer, again. It was his second time. He was in remission for 25 years from the first time. He went downhill fast and less than a year later, he was gone.

I had a dream about Granny’s Britches a couple of nights ago, and I keep catching myself singing that jingle! I smile and then I cry.