When I started this blog, I really just wanted to be silly and post light-hearted stuff and daily ramblings. I wanted a place to reach for the good and funny in life and share it. I think it was also a way to reach out to people and not feel so alone. Yes, I have my kids here, but I feel isolated a lot and it is very hard for me in social situations.
I rarely post anymore as I find I have nothing useful to say! Life is the same day in and day out. Struggling to survive and worry about rent every single month wears a person down over time. I find that I have slowly gone from a strong person able to handle what life throws at me, to a shaky and scared old lady who is terrified of everything and needs to be cared for. I don’t like the change!
I have fought obsessive compulsive disorder my entire life. It does help to know what is happening and I can manage it without medications so far, but I am seriously thinking of seeking help. As I get older I have noticed so many changes in myself. I don’t mean the usual changes like arthritis and a total meltdown of my body. I expected those. I am talking about fear and anxiety. The everyday battle of just doing things everyone does is exhausting to me! Here is an example of how my brain works. It’s like there is another person inside of me that I have to argue with constantly. I will call that other person Gloomy.
Just getting dressed can take a while some days. I take off my pajamas and I hear Gloomy say, “You didn’t put those in the drawer right, do it again or you will have a terrible day!”
“No, they are fine. Pajamas don’t care how they sit in the drawer.” I say.
I go about my business, but Gloomy keeps whispering about the pajamas until I can’t take it and I refold the pajamas and put them in the drawer again. As I hook my bra, Gloomy is right there saying, “No! You pulled it too tight. Hook it again. You know if you don’t do it again, something is going to happen. Your car will die on the way to work, or some other unknown catastrophe will happen!”
I am now terrified of driving, and Gloomy is right beside me the entire time. If I stop at a red light, Gloomy is positive the person in the car behind me is going to honk at me if I don’t go fast enough when the light changes to green. As I wait for the light, fear wells up inside of me to the point my heart starts to race. I am terrified as I approach in intersection, convinced that the light will change and I won’t be able to react fast enough. If it keeps this up, I am going to have to give up driving.
After a few tries, I get it “right” and I can move on. I put on my socks, twice, and sometimes I get it right and sometimes I have to do it two more times so Gloomy will shut the heck up. She continues with her nagging throughout the day.
“Pick that up twice and put it down twice! Please! OH NO! You sneezed, but only one time! This is bad, very bad! If something bad happens it’s all your fault!” and so on and so on.
There was a time I had this under control. I could simply remind myself and Gloomy that objects don’t care how many times you pick them up or put them down. I knew that upside down things were fine because they are not alive. They don’t care! I could reassure myself that if I deviated from making something feel “RIGHT” it would not be my fault if something bad happened that day. The two would not be connected. As I get older and as life gets more and more stressful, I find that Gloomy has completely taken over my life again. It wears me down and I get totally exhausted.
But, I’m dang good at hiding it from the world. I mostly keep the battle in my head and can casually repeat actions in a way that it is not noticed. That is a talent!
I will try hard to post about something besides my complaints! It might be a challenge as I seem to like complaining, but I will try!