Searching for my Happiness

Happiness is scattered all over, 

torn and tossed about.

I wonder if I can gather the pieces 

and put it back together?

Maybe it’s like a puzzle

and I just need to fit the scraps of 

happiness into their proper places.

It’s not like I’m miserable now,

It’s just not the same as it used to be.

I stumble over my emotions and

they run away from me.

The anger of others soaks into my skin, 

drowning the person I used to be.

I need to evict that bitterness and 

find my home again, find my happy place.

I know it’s still there because sometimes

at night I feel it wiggling around in my head.

I need to focus on the now, focus on today.

Otherwise, I might lose those scraps of happiness forever.

Fact About Me

I might just start posting facts about me (because I’m just that important and interesting! hehe) once a week. I have good and bad sides, just as everyone else. I might as well share a bad one. One that I know is true and I have tried to change (and have been somewhat successful I think) but changing your true nature isn’t as easy as it sounds. Oh, you can fake it, but that doesn’t mean it’s changed.

Fact: I am a very selfish person. No joke, not even kidding a little. I’ve always been a rather selfish person. I want what I want. I try fighting against it and have done soul searching to try to find a reason for it.

  1. I think most humans are a bit selfish. We start our lives with raw basic survival instincts. We want food, we need changed, we need to be held. You know, the basic infant stuff. It takes a child quite some years to be able to see outside of their needs. We teach them to give to others and we model basic social skills to the best of our abilities, but for many kids it’s hard to break out of the survival **GIVEME** instincts. That does change slowly as we grow, but let’s face it, it never completely goes away.

2. I think having OCD has affected me in the selfish department. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (at least for me) brought with it huge fears and terrible thoughts of tragedy. I had to do so many daily activities in certain ways and in the proper order and it upset me greatly to go outside of that comfort zone. The fear was just too great so over time I didn’t care what others thought, I did things how I wanted and needed to do. Many with OCD are thought of as selfish. I can understand how it seems so when looking in from the outside. And, to a big degree, it is true. I had to work very hard to break out of that and not allow the fear and anxiety make me appear even more selfish than I am!

Reading over what I have typed has made me wonder if I am trying to make myself feel a little better by justifying being selfish. Maybe. I try to do things for others when I can, but I admit I could do much better. Sometimes I feel good when I make a little sacrifice and sometimes I don’t. I guess it is good that I can go outside of my comfort zone more than I used to and do the right thing. And even if I am now 63, I can still work to improve myself. It’s never too late!